Q: Is my fantasy unhealthy?

I received an email from a listener currently and I believed I’d share it for the reason that this gentleman isn’t as alone as he thinks and I see this as a great chance to address a subject that creates quite a bit of ambivalence and shame in men and women:

The problem is I’ve grow to be obsessed with all the concept of ‘forced orgasm’ and rape and I dont know if I really should hate myself for it. I realize that such fantasies are acceptable in ladies because they are essentially still in manage so its not a breach of their consent. But I wondered if it was ok for men to possess these fantasies - given that from a male point of view, consent is imagined to be denied. Is it worse for men to possess these fantasies than girls? Really should I try and concentrate on extra wholesome fantasies?

My response to him was:

This can be a very controversial and somewhat taboo topic. I’m glad you wrote me, for the reason that I welcome the chance to place your thoughts at ease.

Lots of females despise themselves for their rape fantasies, and numerous males despise themselves for their rapist fantasies.

Intellectually, we know the reasons why it is morally and ethically “wrong” to desire this, but for all that we make an effort to sublimate it, the fantasy remains.

Why?

For the reason that it is one thing primal in us. We’re mammals, and in most mammalian species, the male subjugates the female in an effort to mate. Most females will only mate using a male who can overpower her regardless of how challenging she fights him - because she is seeking a candidate who can pass the strength and aggression survival traits on to her offspring. It can be our heritage: Passion. Violence. Sex.

So, no, I do not consider it's worse for guys to possess these fantasies than females. Need to you endeavor to concentrate on “more healthy” fantasies? Properly, some could argue that fantasies in which you're an alpha male aggressor are very wholesome. Fantasies are fantasies and they may be only problematic when 1) You'll be able to only accomplish orgasm if you are focused on that fantasy and/or two) You seriously take into account implementing a fantasy which would result in lasting physical or psychological damage to oneself or another.

It is actually attainable, with great communication, to act out such a fantasy with a partner, but naturally, there must be trust. I have a factor for forced orgasms, both giving and receiving, and I've explored it countless occasions.

Bottomline: There is certainly nothing wrong with you. You’re not a bad man as a result of this fantasy. My finest assistance would be to encourage you to create a diverse base of masturbatory fantasies so that you don’t develop the sorts of difficulties that were mentioned in my “When a fetish takes over” podcast.

Lastly, from time to time this type of fantasy has difficult psychological under-currents that point to feeling thwarted or frustrated in your personal or skilled life, and if that is certainly the case, I encourage you to explore solutions to resolve these challenges for the reason that prolonged strain isn’t healthier for you.